Heartache
by Ms.Laurabella
Summary: One shot 3x20 I always wanted to see how Felicity dealt with her breakup with Ray and then Oliver's reaction to it.


Disclaimer: No copyright intended I own nothing in relation to Arrow or it's characters.

 **Heartache**

I walked out of the buildings doors as they softly shut behind me with a small innocent thud. I'd walked in needing a favor yes but I didn't walk in intending to break his heart. I'd never intended to hurt him...I'd never intended to bring him into this life...the last part he'd done all on his own.

* * *

Ray didn't deserve what this...

He was willing to give me what I thought I'd wanted...

He wanted a life partner, he valued what I brought to the relationship both with my intelligence and with my heart. The only problem was he'd never had my heart...

He'd never even come close...

He could never have what already belonged to someone else...

I flashed back to what my mother had said as she cupped my cheek my heart and my head waged a silent yet destructive war from within. My head said he's perfect, he's attractive, he's kind, warm, intelligent, and he wants you to be a part of his life. He doesn't want you in just one part no he wants you in every aspect from the business to The Atom. My head told me to move on when Oliver came back...when he became allies with Malcolm Merlyn. My head told me that being the woman Oliver Queen loved was not worth the risk to my already broken heart.

My broken heart...

That was the real problem...my heart. As I looked into my mother's sympathetic eyes I knew before she even said the words that I had a choice to make. Both of them had said the words...one told me before he went off to die...while the other one told just after he almost died.

They'd both told me how they felt...

But I'd never done the same...

Although I knew deep down who I was going to choose...

As Oliver had told me once before as he held my hand and looked almost longingly into my eyes...

"There was no choice to make..."

My choice had already been made for me. I knew it when we stood outside this very same building...he was looking down at me the pain and sorrow that engulfed him made my heart ache for him. I ached so much in fact that I'd almost said it right then and there...

I'd almost said "you're that man that I love." Instead I stopped the word love held on my tongue as his eyes glinted down upon me with what I'd sworn was hope. In a moment of fear and hesitation I swallowed and once again buried my truth with different words.

Then as we stood side by side watching as Roy drove away for perhaps the last time I'd felt it again...

The same pull I now always felt whenever I was in his presence...this same feeling is what made me pull him closer in the damn clocktower as he stood before me doubt plaguing him as the city burned around us. It was this same feeling that allowed him to pull my lips to his in that hospital hallway. I knew the outcome before he uttered the words that kept me awake at night.

"Don't ask me to say that I don't love you..." I closed my eyes every single night as I laid there alone in the darkness of my room. Those words haunted me...they taunted me...they made me cling to what I thought would be the one and only time that I'd feel his lips pressed against mine. Then came Ray...

I was no longer alone at night but surrounded by his smell, his touch, and his warmth. But still when I closed my eyes my face pressed against his smooth chiseled chest my thoughts were always of that kiss. The kiss that made my heart beat faster...the kiss that made my lips curve and tremble with utter delight...the kiss that left me breathless...the kiss that actually mattered.

So when I heard his grief, and felt his pain I broke my own self imposed rules and I once again pulled him to me as I rested my chin upon his shoulder. I wasn't brave enough to tell him what I really felt in my heart...I wasn't cruel enough to hurt Ray as he stood leaning against the car in the background so as I'd done before I used different words to convey the truth that I now held deeply within my heart.

"You have to remember that there are people who love you..." What I didn't say was what haunted me the most.

"People like me...you have to remember that I love you..."

So tonight when my phone buzzed and I saw his face I'd run not walked towards the hospital doors. I'd come to sit down beside him with my hand lightly resting against his knee. I'd stood before him as he told me that he was going to save Thea by going to Ra's; my legs began to tremble with my own fears as I realized that one again he was leaving me...

He was leaving me to became the next Ra's.

He was leaving me and I still couldn't give him my heart...

I was opening the car door when I felt my phone buzz his face appearing once more on the brightened screen. I smiled softly; my fingers lightly touched the outline of his face before I swiped the answer icon. In seconds his voice was filling me with light but most of all love. With a new determination I spoke my voice was calm and sure revealing nothing of what my heart and mind had just been focused on.

"I'll be there soon...Yes I got the jet."

* * *

We stood there once more side by side as we waited for the medical personal to prepare Thea's very still...very lifeless body for travel. I'd used my knowledge and my innocent but still commanding charm to convince the hospital to release her into our care. I'd told them we were going to Star Labs...I'd told them that we were going somewhere that gave her a fighting chance. I'd just left out that this place was Nanda Parbat...and that once we were there we'd be losing her brother for good.

"Thank you..."

His voice was so quiet that I'd almost missed the two words that usually had me grinning from ear to ear.

"For what?" I stepped slightly closer until I could feel the heat radiating off the back of his hand. I kept my eyes forward as did he each of us watched as the medical team removed the tubes and wires from Thea's form.

"For being you...for the jet...for Roy...for believing in me...for coming with me...for everything." He spoke slowly enunciating each word carefully as he put all his trapped emotions into those simple innocent phrases. "I...I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me...what you're willing to do...for me."

Now I was toast...I was gone before when we stood staring at each other in the loft both Diggle and Malcolm mostly forgotten as he stepped slightly forward telling me "I'd prefer it if we didn't do our usual please don't go dance..." I'd responded with "We aren't going to do because I'm coming with you..." In that simple statement I'd made my choice and once again the only person who I'd hurt was Ray.

I replied before I had a chance to moderate my usually as of late very carefully chosen words. "I'd do anything for you...what more do I have to do to make you see that?"

I'd wanted to take them back the moment the words had passed through my lips...his sister was dying...he was about to sacrifice himself to save her...now was not the time to open up a wound that was still in the very early phases of healing. I thought he'd pull away by just shutting down on me while we stood watching the teams progress through the doors small window. I'd expected him to physically drift further away so that his hand was no longer close enough to warm my cooled skin. To my surprise he'd done neither.

"Nothing...asking Ray for his jet was more than enough." His voice was warm, soft and gentle as his face turned slightly towards me...his eyes were a storm of conflicting emotions as he tilted his head downwards until we'd resumed our usual dance of who'd look away first. "That was very kind of him by the way...lending us the jet I mean."

"He's a very kind man..." My voice as strained as my heart began to race our bodies now angled closer until the sides of our hands could almost touch as we held each other's stare.

"He's also very understanding...I mean since you're coming with me that is...I hope that didn't cause any issues between the two of you."

"He is very understanding and yes it did." I broke first looking away as he stepped closer edging his hand into my own.

"Felicity I'm sorry...this is..."

"It's not your fault Oliver...me choosing you over him is not your fault it's mine. Everything with Ray is my fault." His skin was warm against my own as his fingers laced through my own holding me firmly next to his side as he turned placing his index finger beneath my chin...forcing me to once again hold his gaze.

"You're not choosing me..."

I looked at him my eyes glowed beneath the hospitals harsh lights. My voice trembled...my heart was bursting at the seams begging me to express what I'd held within. "Yes Oliver I am...I did that the second I said I was coming with you." The next part came out quickly and once again without my permission. "He broke up with me..."

His eyes tensed as he tightened his hold on our joined hands.

"Felicity I'm... did he say why?"

"Yes..." I swallowed hard enjoying the warmth that his lone finger was creating beneath my chin. "He said I wasn't in love with him because I was in love with somebody else." His face was unreadable as I slowly finished answering his still unspoken question. This was my chance...this was perhaps my last chance to tell him how I felt...to tell him what I'd always known to be true.

"He was right...Oliver I..."

In that moment the doctor came up shattering our small bubble of privacy. We parted as the doctor handed me rather than Oliver the release forms which I signed as she rattled off the usual we don't recommend this course of action and we won't be held liable if something goes wrong. I barely heard her as I watched Oliver numbly walk into his sister's room his lips trembled as he kissed her pale ice cold skin...his body shuddered as the cold of his own despair began to once again settle in.

* * *

I came up behind him placing a timid hand on his shoulder as they wheeled Thea to the waiting ambulance.

"You ready for this?" Our previous conversation like so many others had been pushed aside to make room for the horrid circumstances that often put our personal life's on hold. So I spoke gently hoping my voice would ease his troubled thoughts.

He nodded placing his hand over my own breathing deeply before he spoke.

"Felicity?"

"Yes Oliver?" I couldn't see his face but I could hear the coldness that had seeped into his voice.

"Thank you." I once again asked the question that was far too simple given our current circumstances.

"For what?"

He lifted my hand up turning to me as he placed his lips to my palm. "For choosing me." His voice was so soft and gentle that it took me a moment to realize what he'd just openly admitted.

Before I could speak...before I could even form a coherent thought he'd dropped my hand as he walked away towards the ambulance's back doors... I could see his hands holding Thea's as they slammed the doors shut signalling their intent to leave.

I brought my hand to my lips placing them over the spot where his lips had been just mere moments before. I whispered to the air the response I'd been to shocked to say before.

"Always...I'll always choose you..."

With that I walked to my car climbing in and bracing myself for the ache that had begun to grow rather steadily within my heart.


End file.
